In September of 2009, I returned to school after a two year hiatus. After receiving my Bachelor's Degree in Child Study, I was shocked to wake up one morning and realize that my heart belong to another profession. Following a heated debate with myself I broke the unsurprising news to my family and friends that underneath my slight 4'11 frame, was the soul of a librarian.
The two years that followed that confession went by in a blur. Somehow in between working full-time, attending classes, and maintaining some semblance of a social life; graduation day came and went in a blink of an eye. Always the optimist, I truly believed that I would be presented with a job in my field immediately.
Reality quickly set in when my phone never rang. A few months down the line, life took another turn when the company I spent the majority of my 20's working for declared bankruptcy. Suddenly I was faced with the harsh truth that opportunities don't simply coming knocking on your door. Overnight I went from planning out my dream life scenario to trolling Craigslist for any full-time job that would help me pay down my student loans.
The worst part of the year and a half that followed was the uncertainty. Used to filling my days with school and work I found it difficult to adapt to having an extensive amount of free time. I had just spent last four semesters painting a picture for anyone who would listen of the definitive future ahead of me. Yet, less than 6 months after I donned that cap and gown, I had no idea what was going to happen tomorrow let alone a year later.
Although I accepted every interview that I was offered, it took me over 9 months to get my feet wet at a local temp agency. During that span of time, I learned to keep myself busy. I started writing more, read a book a week, and became well-versed in the digital library that is Netflix. While discovering Doctor Who and having the opportunity to read the last book of The Giver Series in one sitting were the clear highlights of 2012, the year ultimately left me feeling more lost than I had ever been before.
I was constantly at battle with myself, judging every move I made. If I stayed in bed a minute more than 8 hours, my inner monologue chastised me for being a freeloader. I constantly had to psych myself up to go out with friends, afraid of how it might look if I was seen having a good time while not working.
As time went on, I had my heart broken over and over as the rejection letters from prospective employers started piling up. More concerned with making ends meet than having my dreams come true at this point, I pretty much gave up on the idea of becoming a librarian. I had bills to pay and they needed to take priority. Short-term employment opportunities may have put less strain on my bank account, but they did little for my self esteem.
As I got farther away from the plans I had once made, I felt myself losing control. I couldn't get out of my own head and the relationships I had strived so hard to maintained began to fall apart. It took almost losing a friendship completely to truly wake me up. As 2013 loomed before me, I made the decision to "not go gentle into that good night."
I took a long hard look at the things in my life that were making me feel bad and decided to make some changes. The first step was the hardest one to take: I had to give myself a break. Instead of focusing on my shortcomings, I allowed myself to daydream again. I started scheduling my days with more than Gossip Girl marathons and set new goals. I eventually returned to the gym and got serious about getting healthy, I joined a writing group, and even gave myself a few hours off from stressing every day. Although these changes didn't happen over night, one thing became instantly clear: my heart still belonged to the library.
So even though the road I was headed down was no longer clear, I knew I had to drive through it even if it meant taking the long way around. Months of temporary jobs and false hopes followed and yet with the help of my family and friends I found my way back to the world of the living. These past two years may not have been the happiest of my life, but I believe they were necessary.
The struggles I have faced remind me that the big picture is not black and white. It is colorful and not always easy to make sense of. Losing my direction, while devastating; also provided me with the opportunity to get to know myself as well as my loved ones on a whole new level. For that I am grateful.
Today I learned that a library that I had interviewed with recently decided to offer me a job. Exactly two years to the day from my graduation, I will take my first steps toward entering the career I have wished to be a part of for so long. I still don't know what's going to happen past next week, but I feel more prepared to face that uncertainty head on.
To those of you who have seen me through the past two years, I thank you for sticking around. Despite everything, I have never laughed more than I have during this difficult time and it's all because of you. While my ultimate future remains ambiguous, I am hopeful. I have seen the good in the world around me and I am ready pay it forward. Here's to that long and winding road, may it be filled with good friends and an awesome soundtrack.
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